noplasticshowers

Perhaps you feel the same way as we do about Disney. If you love it, stop reading this blog now. If you were sentenced to your Disney time when you had children, well so were we. If you did your time and escaped alive, well don’t come to this island.

After a very low key and pretty great week on Salt Cay (hold your horses, that entry after a glass sync)—lots of diving, great people, no A/C, sand, golf carts, island people politics, and donkeys, we flew Caicos Express to Provo—we were thrust directly and abruptly into Colonel Sanders mode or maybe now we call it Wolfgang Puck mode (same kind of huckster). True American garbage brand imported to the islands. Ouch. Welcome to Villa del Mar.

We went from this:

Salt Cay

To this (you will have to imagine the pretend clean smell):

Oooh that smell, can’t you smell that smell.

You can keep this place. Super bad “live” music a la Casio blared on arrival with volume not compensating for competence, trees lit by blue (the new red) LED lights, cloroflourocarbons in tens of parts per million ruining the room air, overly clean hamster cage hell, plastic bowls for your free econo-lodge style breakfast, this is it. The people are great, and they are woefully confused by the American consumer’s propensity for schlock.

Open all doors, air out the artificial atmosphere.

Our advice? Skip provo (or work better Net magic than we did), spend your time in hell after you die, and head straight to Salt Cay and its petty island politics.

At least there is an outside patio for this hamster cage.

But as Turks and Caicos virgins, who is gonna warn you? Maybe this blog?? OK hopefully. Glimmer on hope.

We are trapped in C102. The bathroom looks like this, so maybe our shower-related heuristic is not scaling in the Caribbean.

The shower, she not plastic. But everything else, she very plastic.

We leave you with two showerheads and a blue tree. Not returning, ever.

Unnaturally blue.

Oh, almost forgot. Magnolias is a very decent restaurant. Nice dishes. Dated but decent wine list (featuring picks by that a-hole Robert Parker). Great sweeping terrace view of the bay. Go there and sleep on the streets.