Perhaps you feel the same way as we do about Disney. If you love it, stop reading this blog now. If you were sentenced to your Disney time when you had children, well so were we. If you did your time and escaped alive, well don’t come to this island.
After a very low key and pretty great week on Salt Cay (hold your horses, that entry after a glass sync)—lots of diving, great people, no A/C, sand, golf carts, island people politics, and donkeys, we flew Caicos Express to Provo—we were thrust directly and abruptly into Colonel Sanders mode or maybe now we call it Wolfgang Puck mode (same kind of huckster). True American garbage brand imported to the islands. Ouch. Welcome to Villa del Mar.
We went from this:
Salt Cay
To this (you will have to imagine the pretend clean smell):
Oooh that smell, can’t you smell that smell.
You can keep this place. Super bad “live” music a la Casio blared on arrival with volume not compensating for competence, trees lit by blue (the new red) LED lights, cloroflourocarbons in tens of parts per million ruining the room air, overly clean hamster cage hell, plastic bowls for your free econo-lodge style breakfast, this is it. The people are great, and they are woefully confused by the American consumer’s propensity for schlock.
Open all doors, air out the artificial atmosphere.
Our advice? Skip provo (or work better Net magic than we did), spend your time in hell after you die, and head straight to Salt Cay and its petty island politics.
At least there is an outside patio for this hamster cage.
But as Turks and Caicos virgins, who is gonna warn you? Maybe this blog?? OK hopefully. Glimmer on hope.
We are trapped in C102. The bathroom looks like this, so maybe our shower-related heuristic is not scaling in the Caribbean.
The shower, she not plastic. But everything else, she very plastic.
We leave you with two showerheads and a blue tree. Not returning, ever.
Unnaturally blue.
Oh, almost forgot. Magnolias is a very decent restaurant. Nice dishes. Dated but decent wine list (featuring picks by that a-hole Robert Parker). Great sweeping terrace view of the bay. Go there and sleep on the streets.
The Alexandra: Provinciales, Turks and Caicos
April 14, 2014
After two very good flights on USAir (the long international one with WiFi), we arrived in Provinciales— referred to as Provo by those in the know. The airport is tiny, but they take themselves very seriously for an island. A very expensive ride to anywhere on the island seems somehow like a downscale Orlando. You’re there, so you are screwed. The currency of choice is US dollars. Bring lots.
We spent one night at the Alexanda, about 15 minutes from the airport and right on the ocean. This is resort style living, replete with palm trees, bad landscaping, tall buildings, and overpriced food. Nice, but certainly not what I am looking for on a tropical island. It is beautiful of course, but about as touristy as, say, Disney. Equally pretend.
A mixup with the room category was straightened out fairly quickly once it became clear we were going to hold our own. We ended up in 4205, which is for sale BTW in case anybody needs a Disneyfied condo in paradise.
The suite is nicely appointed and could be most anywhere in the world. Net is free and decent.
Double wide balcony off the living room and bedroom.
The bed is very comfortable.
The shower is not plastic.
The kitchen is workaday, and there is a washer/dryer combo unit.
There is a resort pool and several very bad bars. An attempt to create an El Presidente cocktail was a dismal and complete failure. The restaurant, mango reef, is way overpriced and low to middling. Service is attentive if not clueless. Food needs work. There is espresso in the morning, however, not to mention fresh OJ, and the wine list is ok.
For the record, here is how to make an El Presidente:
1.5 oz aged rum (mt gaye eclipse for example)
0.75 oz dry vermouth
0.75 oz Cointreau
1/2 t grenadine
orange peel twist for garnish
stir down. serve up in a cocktail glass.
One whole night layover before flying Caicos Express to our real destination was just fine. Four showerheads and some mouse ears for the Alexandra.
The beach at the Alexandra. Provo, Turks and Caicos.
The beach is very nice indeed.
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