The quick answer is: there is no stay short enough to justify a plastic shower.
NPS set out to prove this aphorism at the truly style-free Renaissance hotel at LAX.
Renaissance is a Marriott property, so we of course made great use of our friend Mr. X who is a Lifetime Platinum Elite member. Mr. X books for us and NPS shoves all the points in his direction. This gets us superior rooms and concierge level hoo hah and whatnot at Marriotts. Sadly they are all still Marriotts.
The front lobby is in the middle of a massive renovation at the Renaissance at LAX. So that may be a good thing (but likely it just won’t matter). NPS was assigned a newly renovated suite (number 425) after much furious typing by the front desk staff on our very late arrival around midnight. If 425 is evidence of the style that is driving this renovation then NPS is worried.
You see, 425 looks like this. But looks (even marginal looks like this) can be deceiving. Super cheap, thin, veneer style is what we have on evidence here.
Like this crooked too big TV. WTF?
No. Not how to hang a TV. Why is there even one here?
The bed is comfortable, but the lights are so cheap a light wind would blow them over. Fortunately the windows do not open.
Comfy bed.
But what is this?
The windows overlook a glowing Burger King sign That pretty much says it all.
Yeah, no. This is not really a cool city view.
More sad, thin style evident in the sitting room.
Your mother in law called and she has some design ideas
There was a sad little plant on the desk wishing for some light. Flourescent bulbs should make it happier than they make the humans trapped in here.
And then there is the plastic shower bête noire—an actual plastic shower with an obesity bar.
no
no
no no no
Everything in the bathroom is very new, very clean and completely devoid of any taste.
no sense of style
Well anyway, the trip to LA was fantastic and the time in this hamster cage was short.
There was this wine thing with new friends.
Wine? Wine!
There was an old school whiskey bar.
Old school LA liquor pic.twitter.com/jHXwnoouut
— noplasticshower (@noplasticshower) May 27, 2017
And there was some sportsing with the boys.
The sports people are sportsing pic.twitter.com/CV6Uo8HEUK
— noplasticshower (@noplasticshower) May 27, 2017
So all told we would do it again in a second but we would get a real hotel without a shuttle bus and shlep to the airport from Santa Monica.
Speaking of the airport, this Virgin America meets Alaska thing is getting chunky. Remote gates? Wolfgang Puck bullshit? Overfull lounges gussied up in the ’70s? Uh oh. Where is my high style airline?
And the over full @AlaskaAir lounge with the '70s color scheme too pic.twitter.com/H0MJ8wKoNG
— noplasticshower (@noplasticshower) May 27, 2017
This @WolfgangPuck garbage dumpster of a bar in LAX terminal 6 run by @HMSHost uses flimsy plastic trays. Awful. @VirginAmerica
— noplasticshower (@noplasticshower) May 27, 2017
Let the record show that the Renaissance LAX barely rates two showerheads. Not going back ever. Nice people in a beige land devoid of style.
Setbacks and Settlements in San Francisco: The Buchanan
January 21, 2017
OK, strap in for some first world problems and whining. We’ll try to get it over with quick.
NPS exists because, well, no plastic showers. Kimpton usually fulfills that mission admirably and is NPS’s hotel group of choice by a country mile. But San Francisco suffered a massive property meltdown during the IHG acquisition, and its impact can be felt all the way to today. Bill Kimpton would not likely be pleased.
After a very long day of flying across the country and working into the evening on a challenging task, a nice dinner at Slanted Door followed by drinks at Hard Water was just what the doctor ordered on a rainy rainy night. Which means we arrived way late at the Buchanan (after midnight). More about that is a sec.
Hard Water was a blast. If you like bourbon and rye, you need to go there.
Rye experiment @hardwater_sf
Handy is consistent yet subtly different year to year. 2011 tops. pic.twitter.com/2zkXJgoMXr— noplasticshower (@noplasticshower) January 19, 2017
Should not be allowed: a drink from home @hardwater_sf.
sazarac with sazarac 18 (2016) pic.twitter.com/LzwZGafuRD— noplasticshower (@noplasticshower) January 19, 2017
Look what we found @HardWater_SF. @catoctincreek world domination pic.twitter.com/MQfqa5v7JW
— noplasticshower (@noplasticshower) January 19, 2017
We concentrated on Rye, doing a Handy Rye comparison experiment with a Sazarac chaser. Awesome.
On arrival at the Buchanan, things started off OK. We were assigned a room, but it was not the one we explicitly requested. So we proceeded on up.
Which meant, a room with a plastic shower. What happened? Did the system fail? Did nobody bother to work this through? Yes.
811
After a brief and very disappointing entry into 811 we went down to see what could be done about it. That is when the Demarco demerits set in, about which we’ll write only that the situation later required management intervention. Someone needs some more training.
A crappy plastic shower in 811
811 is just fine by Marriott standards, but it is not a room to shlep all the way to Japantown for. The shower is the worst kind of plastic shower. Shower curtains are our bane.
There was a nice amenity, sparkling water, an interesting view, and a note from GM Emily Glick. They knew we were coming, kinda. You see, it turns out that nobody put two and two together about NPS and this mystery inner circle member of 14 years. Dang. We appreciate the perqs, kimpton but all we really want is NO PLASTIC SHOWERS.
The shower was plastic.
And it got worse. Very early in the morning when it came time to use the crappy plastic shower, the shower curtain was filthy. Just gross.
Thanks. I am 100% dissatified just at the moment @Kimpton here is a dirty shower curtain. Gross. pic.twitter.com/LJgvW9qQ7i
— noplasticshower (@noplasticshower) January 19, 2017
The nuclear option was pursued, and everything was discussed if not resolved. Thanks to the social media team, mike d, and email for making all of that possible. The room we wanted was (miraculously) free the next day, but there was no time to move stuff on this quick hop. And no we were not expecting any kind of upgrade. We’re happy to pay retail when on business. Flowers were involved, which was a very nice touch.
Thanks for the flowers. Lets get this right next time.
Anyway, we can’t exactly cross the Buchanan off the list, because it is the best remaining Kimpton option in San Francisco. We’ll be back soon hoping that things run more smoothly.
Two showerheads, seven demarco demerits, and a trip to detention for the Buchanan. Thanks for working things out Emily, but lets just have nothing to work out next go ’round please.
SpringHill Suburban Disaster in Manchester, NH
August 19, 2016
— noplasticshower (@noplasticshower) August 13, 2016
Yes it rained. And then rained. Deluge. Downpour. So we moved the music inside and played all night anyway.
Music at Oopstock
But then we were due in Wisconsin the next morning before noon! That meant leaving the party at 2am for a late night visit to the nearest airport’s suburban hotel chain. Ears ringing from electric music, off we went into the deluge.
Here is the disaster that is Manchester, NH Springhill Suites. Just. Do. Not. Go.
My travel buddy with endless platinum Marriott points procured our reservation and checked us in, so we got to participate in ultra elite status. Like check out this outstanding amenity!
Amenity? Or cheap bag of chips.
And we got the best available room in the place, which was this desert of a design disaster.
Just super generic and gross.
Plastic shower! In a sealed room. Obesity rod.
Yeah. No.
So anyway, we were there for less than three hours. The plan is to never have to do that again!
One showerhead for Springhill Suites writ large. No.
Let’s Bitch About Annapolis and the Loews Annapolis Hotel
April 30, 2016
Are we spoiled at NPS? Why yes we are. We just got back from 20 days staying in one fantastic hotel after the other in London, Prague, Oslo, Paris, and back in London again. And we flew upper class on Virgin Atlantic. So yes, we are way f-ing spoiled.
And you know what? Annapolis sucks for hotels. You can choose old lady or you can choose chain (as witnessed below), but you can’t choose a B&B because they have an absurd two night limit. This town needs to scrap all existing hotels and start over. Kimpton, where are you?
So we find ourselves suffering from Prague-itis (just got some antibiotics for that) in the worst possible disaster of a situation for NPS.
Let the fun begin! As I am typing this at 9:34pm a wedding reception is going on downstairs. You can see it out of the window in the only superior suite on the property. In the atrium. In kind of a hyatt meets omni design disaster from the late ’70s.
Noise making room
The guys helping make the noise even have real things to bang on! The only saving grace is at least they are playing all classic rock. It’s like listening to FM radio.
They’re nice now, but we will hate them later
Room 241 is a “superior suite” in a “luxury” hotel. Neither term applies. Sorry guys, maybe in the ’70s.
Bedroom behind a divider
Living area separated by the divider
Um, design of some sort?
Desk thing
Then there is the NPS coup de grace, the worst kind of shower over tub plastic shower with an obesity bar to boot. Just the worst. We hate these showers.
This is a classic plastic shower. It sucks.
Obesity bar for Trump supporters
Plasticized curtain
Bathroom console
But there are things even worse than the plastic shower in the baby blue bathroom.
What the hell? Empty mini bars sitting by the wall.
Listen “luxury” hotel. People in “superior suites” should not pay $4 for water.
A hole in the divider. Nice.
This mirror on the closet thing. Brady bunch set?
So we will boogey on down to some bass and drums while the wedding people are still down there chirping or screaming or whatever it is they are doing. Yes, it is loud.
The thoughtful staff did send up a bottle of wine for us to drink ourselves to sleep with. LOL. That was nice. Thanks you guys.
Kind Wine
But no, we have to stick with a very low two showerhead rating anyway and a fervent hope that there is a power failure in about 3 minutes that knocks out the wedding reception in the atrium. Hmmm.
Sunday brunch at Harry Browne’s was very good and involved mimosas.
Annapolis, you’re such a cute town. Get a real hotel. No really, just do it!
As an appendix, we should state for the NPS record that management did what it could to remedy the situation we experienced in Annapolis. Good management makes a big difference.
As one small example, we needed some shirts pressed for a wedding and of course every single dry cleaner in the state capital of Maryland is closed on Sunday (including the one that the hotel outsources to). So management asked housekeeping to please press our shirts for us while we were talking to them about the other issues in this post. That was a far more creative solution than the front desk had come up with (which was more like, gee that’s a bummer). Adult supervision is a good thing.
Planes, Trains and ULTRA-CRAPPY Automobiles
March 11, 2016
Four cities in two days will do that to you.
Upgraded on one hop to Pittsburgh on United!!
Mesa operated @united express upgrade to 4D. Woo hoo. pic.twitter.com/v9jqfAqK7C
— noplasticshower (@noplasticshower) March 9, 2016
Then a tiny ancient United puddle hopper to NYC (Mesa needs more new planes).
So sad. No upgrades even possible on a tiny embrear 145. @united contractors have an aging fleet. pic.twitter.com/zhYvoSm0ub
— noplasticshower (@noplasticshower) March 9, 2016
New York was gorgeous
View from NY @thatmcgraw @philvenables pic.twitter.com/I5DKKPXQ16
— noplasticshower (@noplasticshower) March 9, 2016
Train to Connecticut from Penn Station bright and early
Now leaving NY
Then it was on to the worst Hertz rental car of all time. Dirty, over milage, driven hard, shimmy. Just crap. You can really suck Hertz!
This Hertz car sucks
The Westin in the Chicago Hinterlands Up North Somewhere
January 21, 2016
Yeah. No.
Ever wonder how the other half lives? We find ourselves up in Chicago just in front of a major blizzard doing some business. We’re traveling with all of the C-people: CEO, CFO, CTO, CMO, LMNOP. Frankly, these guys just don’t travel much. So it has been an interesting trip.
First off, the United experience (first of 2016) was outstanding. Upgrade? Check (first time in two years). Wifi? Check. Actual ceramic cup of tea? Check. Friendly crew? Check. Personal thank you with a look in the eye? Check. On time? Early even!
OK fine, it’s business class, but this cup is REAL
United, you did well. Keep it up. That blue mood lighting in the 737-900 is outstanding!
Is it the C-level posse that caused that? LOL. More likely, it was the upcoming blizzard. Nobody with an “out” is traveling away from home today. But business calls, so here we are! Thanks mr. blizzard.
Back to our story. So just how does the other half live? Poorly, it turns out.
You see, there is the generic hotel situation. Westin North Shore? Not so much. This hotel has a nice lobby and a set of just awful hamster cage style rooms. You could spit and hit the interstate from here. We are in concierge level service. Well, at least I am (due to a bunch of starwood points?! go figure that). But no no no. This is not it.
Lets explore through pictures, shall we?
Welcome to hamster cage 1411 at the Westin
The bed pays homage to the TV
Enter the tiny bathroom
OH NO! A plastic shower
Obesity bar. Shower curtain over tub. Welcome to heck.
We pretty much do all we can to avoid this kind of experience on the road. But when in Rome, um, wear a toga? The other half puts up with this is what it is. Reality check.
The best part? The Westin (who BTW charges actual money for internet) defends their shower situation on social media. Fiesty!
Ha ha ha ha. @spgassist
— noplasticshower (@noplasticshower) January 21, 2016
We walked across the parking lot to dinner at Coopers Hawk Winery/Restaurant. They had cabernet! LOL. It was from “America” and we ordered the “lux” bottle. We believe it cost $29.95. The associated hardware for decanting was outstanding. Is it a winery really?? Skip it.
We pretended it was the CFO’s birthday.
On the positive side of this Westin, the restaurant Saranellos is very good. Delicious upscale Italian with a reasonable wine selection. Recommended.
Anyway, because of the hamster cage design, two tiny showerheads for the Westin. You guys have merged so much you are approaching the color of the universe—beige. We’re pretty sure the homeowners association would approve.
In the end, it turns out that the other half is more interested in getting some business done than in where they sleep.
United Airlines Still Sucks: June 2015
June 15, 2015
Here at NPS we have done what we can to avoid flying United airlines since they have such terrible operations. After loyally flying 1.6 million miles and over a decade as a 100K, we’re done.
Today, both flights we were forced to take to get some business done had bugs.
On the flight out, the highly advertised wifi did not work. Ever.
The venerable, um, I mean nonexistent wifi.
It’s 2015. Wifi works everywhere else.
On the flight back, we started with the classic drip delay, supposedly caused by weather. A drip delay is what happens when United (and only United as far as we can tell) delays the flight by just a few minutes…multiple times. The first three drips were: 14, 11, and 9 minutes each. We would really just rather learn this all at once.
But the best was yet to come. The inbound aircraft landed, so they called us to the gate to line up. But there was no pilot. The last drip was a hefty one hour! (That is, assuming this was actually the last delay…we’re not on the plane yet.)
United airlines sucks at operations
United airlines sucks. Fly any other airline.
It is unbelievable that Jeff Smisek is still the CEO.
A Loudoun County Swing and a Miss: Lansdowne Resort
June 13, 2015
Lansdowne Resort is so close that we’ve only been here once, and that was so long ago we don’t want to admit it. But we’re back and running a show for 300+. Sadly, Lansdowne is not up to the load on all kinds of fronts.
As with many resorts (many of the Sheraton variety), much more attention is paid to the common areas than to the rooms. Even a “deluxe” suite can’t make the cut here for many reasons. Heck, lets just list them shall we?
- plastic showers
- hamster cage design
- views of a roof?!
- thin walls that carry sound
- an HVAC system that sounds like a broken jet
- pluming that screams when you flush
- seriously uncomfortable bedding
- style? not really
- net that is not up to high geek standards
Covered with saran wrap
No dice on the room. They did try with a personal note and some cheese and wine. (Though based on the bill slid under my door in the morning, the cheese and wine came from Jennifer and cost $42. Nothing like being charged for your own amentity!)
Good thing we had the doctor’s bag along with some makings for Liberals. But frankly the furniture in the suite was mega uncomfortable, leaving good Liberals to be enjoyed on bad seating. Oh well.
Suite looks nice
Just don’t look out the window
Uncomfortable bed ensconced in a style featuring scratchy orange carpet
Oh, and did we mention the plastic showers?
Yeah, no.
The worst kind of plastic shower
The worst kind of plastic shower has an obesity-friendly bent bar, a plastic curtain, and a slippery hollow plastic tub. 100% bad! Yays.
Ultimately, the real problem here at Lansdowne is the disorganization and incompetence of the A/V and conference staff. In fact, the service in the hotel is all pretty awful if you’re a spoiled traveller like we are. Our room looked great and most of the parts required for a good show are available in the conference room, but they are being run by people who are quite simply the worst A/V people we’ve come across professionally in many years. Just not good.
Food too. Just not good.
Bar? hah hah hah. We’re not touching that one.
The location is gorgeous and green. But it is suited for golfer types. Nuff said. Pretty far down the list and nowhere near as good the also local Westfields as for a conference. I guess we need to move the show into DC.
A rare two showerheads and a vague feeling of disappointment for the Lansdowne Resort. Looks like LoCo has a ways to go to attain world class.
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